My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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