just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
