I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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