Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
