I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
