Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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