I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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