His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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