Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
