I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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