Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
