i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
