trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
