I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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