Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
