You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
