I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
