Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Randomize