god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
