I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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