nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
