so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
