He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
