if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
