My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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