If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
