Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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