id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
