Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
