Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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