if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
