how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
