Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
