no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
