Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Couch. On fire.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
