I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
