You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
