He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Please don't give away my fajitas
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
