I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
