It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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