I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I did not marry a roomba.
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