Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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