Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
