dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
