My liver just broke up with me...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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