I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
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