if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
