I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
