It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
