38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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