totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
