I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
