from now on my penis is your penis
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
