Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
