i was born a porn star she said
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
