i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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