He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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