sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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