Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
