Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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