the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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