Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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