I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Mom said you looked used
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize