Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
