when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
